the journey of coming out is often a deeply personal and at times challenging experience. for me, it was a significant turning point, a moment where accepting my true self became paramount.
this process, while fraught with apprehension, ultimately unfolded as one of the most important and empowering decisions of my life. as we celebrate pride, it's a powerful reminder to cherish and be unapologetically proud of who we are.
childhood reflections in a changing germany
looking back from my current vantage point, at a confident and self-assured age, the early chapters of my life were a unique blend of simplicity and unexpected change.
my upbringing in the picturesque east german mountains, within a loving family that included my brother, who is also gay, provided a nurturing environment. this foundation has undoubtedly shaped me into the caring individual and proud gay father I am today.
the preceding two decades, however, were a period marked by considerable personal struggle, a landscape dotted with difficult moments, moments of profound disappointment, and times of deep emotional pain.
my story began in a modest village nestled within the eastern german mountain range, not far from dresden.
navigating life in the german democratic republic
my formative years, the first six, were spent in what was then the german democratic republic, commonly known as east germany.
my father, a man of deep respect for nature and still a forester today, instilled in my brother Stephan, who is two years younger, and me a profound appreciation and love for life in all its forms. my mother, in my memory, was a truly nurturing homemaker, possessing a wealth of talents and an enduring capacity for love.
during that era, leaving the country was an almost unimaginable concept, and deviating from the societal norm was met with intolerance.
even the simple pleasure of a piece of chocolate was a rare treat, something I primarily experienced through surprise packages sent from west germany during the christmas holidays. instead, a salty pickle often became my unexpected, yet still enjoyed, treat.
the arrival of color: a subtle shift
at the age of six, a subtle yet significant change began to manifest.
color started to appear. bright pink toys, building blocks, and the iconic barbie dolls found their way into stores that had previously been characterized by a muted, often stark, grey palette. these changes, though seemingly small, signaled an unexpected shift in the landscape of my childhood.
growing up in a society that had long prioritized conformity and suppressed individuality, creativity, and anything that deviated from the socialist norm, left an indelible mark on many germans, myself and my family included.
this societal context, while not directly tied to my personal coming out narrative, would indeed become a contributing factor to many of the future challenges I would face, particularly within my family.
early expressions of individuality
in retrospect, my childhood behavior might be categorized today as effeminate.
my social circle often leaned more towards female friends than male peers. the conventional interests often associated with boys, such as war games, car racing, or football, held little appeal for me. I distinctly remember the joy I felt when my mother finally purchased my first barbie doll, and later, even a barbie dreamhouse.
this was my preferred way to play, immersing myself in the world of fashion and imagination, much to my father's mild disapproval, who felt my mother was raising me in a manner he considered overly gentle.
developing new interests and social pressures
a few years later, around the age of ten or eleven, my interests began to evolve.
I found myself drawn to sports, specifically to the athletic and charismatic german tennis players of the era. this budding interest sparked a degree of personal concern, and I kept these feelings closely guarded. this internal shift coincided with a change in my educational path, moving from the local elementary school to a gymnasium in a larger mountain town.
the subsequent years presented the most significant period of struggle regarding my burgeoning sexuality.
despite maintaining my academic standing and consistently being among the top students, my grades began to decline around my thirteenth birthday, a shift I couldn't initially explain.
bullying and the search for belonging
my experiences with bullying in school were not rooted in any overt declarations of my sexual orientation or any same-sex encounters.
instead, the torment stemmed from my perceived effeminate demeanor, my long, light-colored hair, and my inclination towards art and music over more traditionally masculine pursuits like football or video games.
at home, my brother remained my closest companion, alongside two dear friends from the village.
I became an ardent fan of the boy band take that, enjoyed crafting friendship bracelets, and dedicated myself to playing the piano. my passion for latin american dances, honed through years of practice in children's and youth dance classes, also contributed to my developing sense of self and physical expression.
reflecting on these experiences now, it becomes clearer why my classmates targeted me with accusations of being gay.
but it raises a crucial question: who defined masculinity as the sole acceptable standard for individuals identified as male? why is divergence from heterosexual norms used as a justification for harassment, offense, and the emotional distress of young people?
volleyball: a pathway to confidence
the underlying motivation behind their actions was, in essence, a punishment for my perceived difference.
around this same time, my father shared exciting news: a new volleyball team for young men was forming in our area. it turned out that both my brother and I possessed a natural aptitude for the sport. with the guidance of an exceptional trainer, our connection to volleyball grew exponentially.
less than a year after our initial training sessions, our team, bolstered by friends and fellow players, achieved a commendable second place in the statewide tournament for our age group.
this sporting success brought more than just accolades; it fostered a significant boost in my self-confidence, strengthened my physical being, and gradually transformed me from being perceived as a "little fag" to a respected athlete.
during this period, I was also exploring my identity. my first girlfriend later confided that she had always sensed something distinct and attractive about me.
fitting in and hidden desires
at the time, the feeling of finally belonging was incredibly rewarding.
even my mother's questions about my sexuality or when I might find a girlfriend ceased. by embracing volleyball and cultivating a more conventional image, the same individuals who had previously targeted me began to shift their focus to another classmate who exhibited similar effeminate traits.
the truth, however, was that I was experiencing a growing attraction towards men, including some of my volleyball teammates.
my involvement in the volleyball team and my emergence as a key player significantly contributed to my self-assurance, which, ironically, also served as a shield for my unspoken attractions to other men, particularly during our post-training showers.
while nothing overtly happened between any of us, a part of me secretly hoped for such an encounter.
the question of which country ranks first in travel desirability for gay individuals can be explored using tools like the GTI, which can guide vacation planning. however, my first sexual experience occurred shortly after my eighteenth birthday.
exploring relationships and a profound realization
this experience, with a female partner, was physically functional, yet something felt undeniably absent.
try as I might, my thoughts during these intimate moments consistently drifted towards men. on that first occasion, I rationalized it as initial awkwardness. I remain deeply grateful for the understanding and trust of the girlfriend I had then, who was supportive when I eventually shared my truth with her years later.
however, during our final shared intimate experience, I experienced a profound moment of clarity, an "aha!" realization.
it became undeniably clear: I was gay, and I was ready to explore a relationship with a man. despite the prevalent advice in magazines like BRAVO, which suggested such feelings might be a phase, my desire to explore the other side of the spectrum was strong.
finding connection in the digital age
fortuitously, the year marked the launch of the gay dating app planetromeo in germany.
at that time, I was still living with my parents in our village. it's difficult to imagine how I would have encountered other gay individuals without such a platform.
my first significant date was with a couple residing in dresden. that evening marked a pivotal moment of self-acceptance: yes, I am gay.
but the question that followed was, what now?
sharing my truth with family
a primary motivation behind sharing my story, and my experience as a gay father, is to address the many questions my family and friends have posed, and to offer support to other emerging rainbow families.
my prolonged absences and a general increase in my happiness had already raised suspicions among them.
one day, my mother, with whom I shared a particularly close bond, caught me off guard and initiated a direct conversation. with tears welling up and a profound fear churning within me, a fear I had rarely experienced in relation to my mother, I confessed that her deepest suspicions were, in fact, true.
we both cried for a significant period. at that moment, I was out, at least to my mother.
we decided not to disclose this to my father immediately. this decision was influenced by his own past experiences, including a period where he gravitated towards clothing considered feminine within his cultural context, and a deeply troubling incident of sexual abuse at the age of 14 by a riding instructor, an experience that profoundly impacted him throughout his life.
a path toward self-awareness and acceptance
as he embarked on his legal career, he began to confront his own identity and his attraction to men.
this self-discovery led to his dismissal from his position as a legal advisor for the district court of hildesheim in . this event, though difficult, ultimately facilitated a greater sense of comfort and openness regarding his sexual orientation.
historical context: figures who paved the way
in the realm of LGBTQ+ rights, figures like karl ulrichs made significant contributions.
ulrichs proposed that love between two men was a natural inclination, something individuals were born with. his theories expanded as he delved into the nuances of attraction between males and females, laying crucial groundwork for advocating for equitable treatment of homosexual individuals.
in august , ulrichs became the first openly homosexual individual to publicly advocate for homosexuality.
despite facing numerous arrests, he addressed the congress of german jurists, urging them to repeal laws that criminalized homosexual behavior.
though ulrichs passed away in , his pioneering efforts were instrumental in bringing the gay rights movement to the forefront.
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